A Star is Born!- Baby Buccio Update- Week 40-41- THE BIRTH (final update)

Hello Maya's fan club!

 Maya Teresita Buccio is finally here! Our lives have changed forever and the feeling is just indescribable. So many times throughout my pregnancy I heard other moms say "you watch. the feeling is like nothing you have ever experienced." And that is an understatement because until you go through it, you never know what it feels like to literally have your breath taken away. Mine was. And I keep reliving the moment in my head. This little girl has stolen our hearts!

She came into the world at 8:20am weighing at 7.10lbs, and 19 3/4 long on Friday March 2nd, 2012. A beautiful baby girl with a big cry! Let's talk labor. The honest truth. I am very proud of me. I surprised myself that I really could do it. I had so many fears and anxieties about giving birth vaginally. i couldn't visualize it but I did it and it made me feel like superwoman. I was scheduled for an induction Friday at 6:30am since Maya was 5 days late but she had her own plans and started kicking and making noise at about 11ish the night before. The contractions started mild and easy enough and were a 2 on a pain scale of 1-10. When I went to bed at midnight, that's when the music picked up! They went from a 2 to a 4, to a 6-7 in no time! Imagine your worst period cramps, multiply that by 1000 and then someone decided it be fun to take a knife and stab you in the lower back and abdomen. Yes, that kind of pain! I could barely walk or speak and was so eager to get to the hospital that I left the house in flip flops, sweatpants (ewww) and no jacket! We jumped into my mother in law's car and drove the 6 blocks to Lenox Hill all while trying to get through every contraction by whimpering "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG." Those were the only words out of my mouth. Once we got there I was rushed into a labor room where the contractions were now coming every 2 minutes with barely any time to relieve myself. I switched into a gown which I would later get out of because i was dying of sweat during the contractions. I had a quick cervix exam which showed I was already five centimeters dilated. What the what?!!! Where are my drugs!!!!!!!!!!! My main nurse, Jenn, who was brillz and such a motivator, was talking me through the pain as I held (or should I say crushed) my mother in law's and Coco's fingers. I kept saying I couldn't do it anymore that i wanted the drugs but I had to get an IV first and make sure I had a saline bag in my system before I could get the epidural. Oh dear sweet baby Jesus. I was losing speed. The contractions were now coming right after the other and it seemed like years before the anesthesiologist showed up to alleviate my pain. He finally came, a vision in scrubs, with my needles and my drugs. I didn't even care that i was naked and showing him my pikachu. With Jenn keeping me steady, I got the epidural and it was painless. The actual IV that goes in your wrist was more painful. In less than five minutes, my feet began to tingle, the pain of the contractions went from a million to nonexistent. I was in heaven. The epidural was magic fairy dust, crack, candy- whatever you want to call it. All I know is that I felt normal again. So once I got my magic juice, the Wu suggested I sleep and she would check on me in three hours. And that's what I did- sleep peacefully while coco snapped unattractive pictures of me with my mouth wide open. After three hours, I was dilated 7 centimeters and she told me to go back to sleep for an hour and if I felt pressure to give her a ring. After another hour, i had dilated to 9 centimeters and shortly thereafter I was at 10! So let the pushing begin!!!!! First of all, the whole pushing experience was so relaxed and painless and Wu and the nurses made it look effortless. Coco was my superstar and not once did I curse at him. He held onto one leg, while my nurse Jen, held the other and both of them motivated me throughout the whole process. Coco even remarked "babe, i see her head and she has tons of hair!". I was told that i was a "great pusher" and you know me, anytime I get any sort of compliment it makes me strive for more! So I kept pushing and pushing, and at one point, I threw up a little while pushing but i was more concerned that it didn't get any puke in my hair. I stopped and yelled "omg did it get in my hair?! someone clean it please!!!" But the Wu assured me that my hair looked fantastic. After two hours of pushing, I was exhausted and so was Maya because her heartbeat was going up and down so Wu suggested that it be best to suction (aka vacuum suck) Maya while I pushed. It would help both of us get her out faster. Sure, I love vacuuming so why not?! At that moment, my labor room turned into some sort of spaceship laboratory. All these machines descended from the ceiling, new nurses shuffled in, and stirrups were produced from my transformer bed. Coco and I really wanted my final stages of labor to be a "just us' experience. So I lovingly told my mother-in-law to leave the room so that we could meet our baby girl as a parental unit. Everything happened so quickly from that point on! I started pushing (at this point you are probably wondering, did I poop? you bet your sweet ass I did! and I didn't care and neither did Coco or my delivery A-team) and the Wu let me know that she had to do a small episiotomy because she did not want me to rip straight through my hemorrhoids which had already quadrupled in size and look like a cluster of enlarged grapes hanging from my ass. She said if she cut me sideways and I ripped, I would at least rip sideways and not through the hemorrhoid which would be unbearable pain. I had no choice but to agree. And once she snipped, my final pushes were amazingly surreal! I felt the pressure of Maya's head coming through, then her shoulders and then the rest of her body and with a loud cry, there she was. I was finally able to lay eyes on this little person that Coco and I made and all I could do was cry. I cried tears of deep joy and happiness and I couldn't speak. (I'm tearing up as I write this). My heart was exploding with emotions and they were manifested through tears. My baby. My life. She was mine.

 Super dad Coco stepped right into his role, snapping pictures with a smile from ear to ear. He held her in his arms and what a beautiful moment. After I delivered the placenta which I didn't even feel, Wu began sewing me up. Seriously was she sewing me a a new dress?? Because she was down there a long time while I sent quick update texts and emails on my phone. (Some good multi tasking!)

 Once my mangled vagina was reconstructed, I was able to hold Maya in my arms for the first time and I was speechless. I never thought I could love someone so much so fast. I had been dreaming of this moment for months and here it was. I felt like I was in a dream. All I kept thinking was "She belongs to me." I wanted time to stop so I could take in every little part of my beba. She was our world now and I promised her to be the best mom for her. I would protect and love her with no limits. Coco came up to me and said "babe, she's our baby!" My heart was whole again.

A couple of hours later, I was moved to my private room. Granted, it was no Beyonce private suite, but I just couldn't imagine having to room with somebody else while I recovered and had quality time with Maya and Coco and a pile of guests that kept coming in and out. Similar to a Cuban waiting room which I absolutely adored. I had the most fantastic nurses hands down. They took such good care of me and helped me with my pikachu dressings and loaded me up with some Motrin and percocet to help with the pain. (Note: it's a nice gesture to give your nurses a little thank you gift because kindness goes a long way. So do perfume samples from Chanel) Plus that little squirt bottle that helped me pee without feeling too much pain is a God sent. It was like my own personal bide (bi-dey). I'll tell you only what your closest friends who have had babies will tell you- your vagina looks like a hot mess and in my case, my vagina and the hemorrhoids that took up residence in my arse were grotesquely uncomfortable and ugly. No wonder there is no sex for 6 weeks (in my case like 37 weeks! haha). I already told Coco that my vagina was closed for renovations. You cannot pass go. You cannot climb the fence because there are guard dogs, barbed wire, and tazer guns at the other end. i am officially closed for business!

 I took advantage of the wonderful nurses at the nursery and I had them take Maya both nights so that I could sleep and rest. I definitely recommend this! Maya became known as the "it girl" and fashionista of the nursery because she had a new bow or hat when she was taken to the nursery for pediatrician visits and sleep. Have they not met her mother?! The in-house photographer did a complimentary photo shoot with Maya and she was just delicious and perfect! Of course, we bought every picture.

 Let's fast forward to Sunday afternoon when we finally went home! And padrino javy came along for the ride! We took 100 pictures of our departure, her first ride in a taxi (what a new yorker!), and when she finally got home! Tia Gigi and grandma had decorated the apartment with signs and balloons for Maya's homecoming, which was so thoughtful! Grandpa Jorge came by the house too and gave us a very special gift- a song that he had written for his granddaughter called, "Maya, mi nieta linda." It's priceless. After a few hours, everyone left and it was finally just us. It was only our little family and we were loving it! The dogs smelled and kissed Maya and stayed close as they figured out what this thing was that we brought home. They have been really sweet with her even sleeping next to her!

As far as her first night went, she was a gem! She take a bottle like a champ and eats every 3-4 hours, which gives us some time to sleep in between. Coco has been my knight in shining armor and has taken over the night feedings while I rest because my movements have been minimal due to my nether region situation. I felt a little frustrated and useless and I cried because I haven't been able to move around productively but Coco soothed me back to reality and let me know it was okay. So I do the feedings during the day and he helps by getting me situated and then he takes over at night. We are slowly and comfortably getting into our groove and finding our rhythm  with Maya and putting her on a schedule that works in our favor. We are working through the kinks but having a supportive partner makes the experience that much more reassuring! But you know what the best part of all this is?? It is watching her change. Everyday she looks a little less swollen and has a little bit more personality. She's physically strong, opens her eyes when she gets burped, loves the boppy and her snuggle nest and the feeling of being in both her mama and papa's arms. She LOVES her tete and even holds it with her little hand in her mouth. Before bed time, I read her a bed time story, stare at her some more, and watch her snooze. What a wonderful high to be on!

 As the classic Boyz to Men song goes, we have come to the end of the road. This is my last and final baby update. Crazy to think its been over thirty-something weeks when the first one went out! I hope that you have been as entertained and enlightened as I  have reading and writing these updates! It's been quite the pregnancy for dummies and i have loved every second of it! It was my personal journey of the progression of the miracle of life and the transformation of a hot mom to be! Thank you for your love, support, well wishes, and words of encouragement. It's been wild! But this is not the end. I have another project in the works that I hope to share with all of you next year. Until then, here's to more babies, more laughs and cries, lots of healthy narcissism, but most importantly, to family and friends.

 In Style,
 Kathy.

Viva le baby! -Baby Buccio Update- Week 40.

Hello baby fan club!

C'est moi! The still pregnant and impatiently waiting UES mom to be. First off, thank you to all you guys who have checked in and emailed or texted words of encouragement. I really do appreciate the thoughtfulness, especially when I'm getting a tad bit restless here! (Have I mentioned patience is not my forte?!) Maya T.B. doesn't seem ready to pack up her apartment just yet and soon I will have to evict her! She seems to be extremely patient, a quality she clearly got from her papa and not from me. She is evidently running on Cuban time!

Coco and I went to the doctor this morning and I've dilated half a centimeter. Ughh! Which really doesn't mean anything because I can either go into labor in an hour or a week. The Wu says that if I don't go into labor on my own this week, I will definitely be induced Friday, march 2nd at 630am. So regardless, there will be a baby here no later than Friday! I'll be honest. I'm getting labor cold feet. As I've expressed many time on these updates, my initial decision has always been to have a C-section because I had no desire to push. Yes, a gazillion women before me have had children, I am certainly not the first, but as the day gets closer, the thought of pushing a baby out of my vagina is making me break into sweats and minor panic attacks. My doctor says this is a normal reaction to have but that we will explore the C-section when we get to the hospital and I'm experiencing contractions since she knows I've been back and forth with my decision (we will also take into account the baby's size and my tolerance).

It's highly plausible that we will be having a March baby. I married me a March baby and Lola Isabel is a March baby too. I'm totally cool with another one ( like I have a choice) as long as she doesn't come on leap day. What a way to start life with such confusion! (and too early to start paying for therapy!) I have to face reality. There is a chance she may come that day and I'm trying to be positive about it since my doctor thinks it will be "so cool" or some of my friends tell me it'll be "unique", "original" and "different." Yeah I guess they're right. But aren't these words just a politically correct way to say "OMG you're baby was born on leap day?! That sucks." Regardless, I will squeeze my vajayjay tight and push her back in!

I'm sooo tired and rundown today. Nancy, the Wu's nurse, said that today is the first time she has noticed my face a little swollen, to which I gasped in horror. She said it was just a little puffy. And Coco thought it be funny to say to me "you have cara de papa!" Um, are you drunk?! Rule #34224- do not tell a pregnant woman who is overdue and done, that she has "cara de papa" unless you want to get punched in the nut sack. Even Nancy was like "that might not be the right thing to say." He cleaned up his mess fast. Again, thank goodness for mirrors and my bulletproof self-esteem because I know that I still look amazingly gorgeous! Back to my contractions. The last 2 days I have been experiencing an increase in contractions with mild pain, but nothing horrible. The Braxton Hicks are becoming more frequent and more uncomfortable toppled with the urge to constantly pee. I also lost my mucus plug which is just as disgusting as it sounds so I'll spare you the details. Coco has taken over Nazi duties and forcing me to take stairs (he doesn't even care that my legs tremble like a baby horse's newborn legs!) and do a lot more walking. Shortly, after I send out this update and when I'm done napping, we are going to head out and power walk our way through the park. Oh I can't wait. Emotionally, I'm teetering between an insane amount of nerves and excitement. Yesterday I had many of those Oprah "aha moments" where it hits me like new that I'm having a baby (or it could be short term memory, who knows) and that our lives will be changing forever. It's exceptionally fantastic but also fearful since we are jumping into the deep end blind! I can't believe we are having a baby! There I go again.

This weekend we did one final run to Buy Buy Baby for essentials like wipes and ready to feed baby formula. My amazing mother-in-law did some bulk grocery shopping for us so we wouldn't have to stress about food when Maya arrives. And we are so excited because we booked our first Miami trip with Maya for the summer so she can meet some of her Miami family and friends and her other home! Ahhh! Next up is Thanksgiving trip! We have to get our little jet setter-in-training accustomed to the friendly skies!

And to my animal lovers out there! Our fur babies know something is up! They do say that dogs can sense changes in a human body earlier than we can and I really do believe that. Ito and Chacha follow me more than usual, even if I get up for a quick pee or to throw something away. Lola is more maternal. She doesn't step on my belly (check pic attached!). Instead, she cuddles with me and lays her head on my belly and it's so funny to see Maya move and Lola's head move along with her movements and she just stays put. This morning as she was laying on the couch with me, she growled at Chacha and Ito for getting too close to my belly. It's a pretty interesting behavior to observe. Don't underestimate those canines! Their doggy blanket is all packed up in the hospital bag so we can wrap Maya up with it once and then bring it home so they can familiarize themselves with the new baby smell.

Well, that's it for now kiddies! Wanted to keep you in the loop! The last and final update will have a baby picture, God willing, attached to it! It'll be Maya's "Hello World!" introduction! Thanks again for riding my baby carousel of progress! (BTW, you are really pregnant for 10 months. I don't know how that Duggar woman does it!)

In Style,

Kata

Labor and Delivery...Take 2!

A month ago exactly on January 23rd (35 weeks pregnant), Coco and I had our first false labor run to Lenox Hill. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, but I was a hot mess full of nerves inside. I'm a pretty composed individual when I'm nervous or anxious. I tend to become very quiet, focused, pensive, and slightly introverted. It's the way I "deal" and "self-soothe" when I'm scared. And I was f#$%kin terrified because at 35 weeks, I wasn't "ready" to have this baby. I think Coco was just as surprised that we got sent to the hospital but he was certain it was going to be quick. He was trying to make me feel better by talking way too much, making jokes I found stupid and not funny, and being giggly. Clearly, this didn't ease my situation or fears AT ALL. I'm an easily annoyed person to begin with, so you can imagine in my moment of fear and panic, I'm sensitive to the touch. So I said to him, "All i want you to do is be quiet and sit there. Because right now, you are super annoying and I want to punch you in the face."

We were in the hospital for a little over five hours. After some monitoring and exams, we were told I was having early labor contractions and was advised to rest and drink lots of water. No early baby! We headed home. I gave Coco a C+ (I'm a hard grader!) for his performance.

Fast forward one month exactly- yesterday, February 23rd, 2012. I wake up with an excruciating pain on my lower side which I self-diagnose as appendicitis. I was doubled over in pain and in tears. Now, I'm not a big crier. My grandmother says its because I'm cold, but that's not true because I am a very emotional person. I don't need to release the floods to prove I'm in some sort of physical or emotional pain. I reserve my tears for important things like ASPCA commercials, YouTube videos of soldiers reuniting with their kids, and as a way to prove my innocence to Coco when he's mad at me. So the fact that I am crying like a baby because of the pain, was concerning . Coco pointed out to me that the pain could also be the baby that I've been carrying for almost 10 months! Hmm. He has a point. So he called the Wu and we got sent to the hospital where again, I was nervous, scared, and excited but in a lot of pain. Only this time, I definitely felt more ready and Coco gave me tremendous peace of mind by making me English muffins, some juice and my yogurt. (i would later give Coco an A for his spousal support!) He even hailed a cab so I wouldn't have to walk. Despite taking pictures and videos which I'm glad he did because they'll make for a great future photo montage (see above. That's me being "pensive" and "self-soothing" amidst my fear on the way to the hospital yesterday), he was my calming force and didn't do any of the failed "reassuring" tactics from the first dress rehearsal we had! My only one request, for him to turn off the text message notifier on his blackberry because it was driving me insane in the membrane.

So as I've just given away, we were sent home. Again. The pain ended up subsiding and the after some monitoring and a cervical test that showed i was still once centimeter dilated and 70 percent effaced (they did say this was a good sign because the body is doing what its supposed to do yet I was super frustrated) it was concluded that it was some more early labor pains as well as Maya sitting on nerves and muscles on the right side of my belly. So off we went with instructions to walk walk walk, which I did. (I took Ito to la peluqueria for a blowout and then a nice long walk in Central Park.) We really did think we were going to leave with a baby! Such a patient baby and such an impatient mother. Come out already little girl! Coco was so bummed. But hey, we got some great pictures. Another dress rehearsal under our belt. We are getting good at these practice runs! Oh, and then I get home, and I lose my mucus plug. What's a mucus plug? Basically like a cork in the cervix that doesn't let germs or bacteria in and out. Unfortunately, losing your mucus plug doesn't mean you go into labor right away. It could be hours, days, even weeks before you give birth. And it looks like a slimy phlegm/period discharge in an unappealing shade of reddish brown. EWWWWWWWWWWWW. And because Coco and I are amateur medical professionals, we took a picture of it and compared it to other pictures on the internet just to make sure! Yes, we're cray cray and a bit disgusting.

I decided to pamper myself today with a pre-natal massage (thanks fritters!) and a pedicure and light walking since it was raining. And as of 11:50pm on February 24, 2012, still no baby.

Maybe third time is a charm??!

Impatiently Pregnant,

Kata

Pull the Ripcord!- Baby Buccio Update- Week 39.

Hey Kids!

We're down to the wire with six more days to go!! It's such a crazy reaction and realization when I am continuously asked, "So when is the big day?!" and I say "This week" or "any day now!". Ever heard a stomach drop??? Because I hear mine pull a Tower of Terror drop that is terrifying, exciting, and full of adrenaline. I can't believe we have six days left. And in six days, Coco and I will be parents to a beautiful baby girl. Me, a mom?! Astounding! Yes, while there is the fear of sleepless nights, no instruction manual on how to take care of a newborn, and the hope and fear of providing all the love in the world to this little girl, there is also a feeling of immense joy, gratitude and happiness that has lifted us on a cloud of euphoria. These feelings were unfathomable to me before pregnancy. And to think, we are experiencing all these feelings without having seen her yet. We cannot even imagine the high when we lay eyes on her for the first time. We anxiously await that moment (after all the slimy residue gets cleaned first, of course!)

I have 2 doctor visits to fill you in on. Last Tuesday at week 38, I was still one centimeter dilated and 30% effaced and Maya's heartbeat was nice and strong. It appeared that our daughter was sitting pretty upside down and in position but had no desire to do any work at that moment! We get it. She's in no rush. She's taking her sweet time and already testing her mother's patience. I can't complain though. She seems to be an obedient kid. Follows directions properly, doing what she's supposed to do all in her own time. I dig this independence. And as many friends and family members have said, she'll make her debut when she doesn't have to share the spotlight with anyone or anything. Sigh. Just like her mother. She needs a day of celebration and over the top birthday parties just for her.

Today, Coco and I visited the Wu for week 39 check up! Well, I'm still one centimeter dilated BUT 70 percent effaced! Which means all these contractions I've been having, have been helping thin out my cervix wall. The Wu says that it will also help me dilate. But as of right now, she's all cozy in her egg. I did express to her that my vagina and I were both getting scared because this baby is nearing 8lbs and that was my c-section cut off. She agreed but said right now she's probably at 7.3-7.4 and she's doing great so we'll just have to wait. We made a tentative appt for Monday in case I don't go into labor by Sunday. If I'm still preggo on Monday, we will schedule an induction with the hospital to get Maya out! I weigh 142.2lbs. So still at 31lbs gain. Coco said its because this baby knows to take only some of my beauty but not all of it! Oh, the Wu also said no castor oil! I can try everything else but that. She says that not only will it give me diarrhea but also the baby which is called meconium. And if she inhales the poop, it could be extremely dangerous for baby! So not doing it.

So week 38-39 brings a whole new set of bodily changes and activities in preparation for labor. ( I will share mine because I'm generous like that). I am definitely sweating a whole lot more at bed time. From boob sweat to feet sweat. I have to regularly take off my pajama pants because I feel like they are suffocating me like a jealous boyfriend. This winter has been unseasonably warm so the 50 degree winds, or lack there of, barely help when I crack the windows open. Even the little egg temperature contraption we have in the room now for Maya's sake, tells me its a balmy 80 degree in our room (with a sad face emoticon. So judgemental). We have had to turn off the radiators to level off the temperature in the room. Besides all this sweating, I've also had a bit of that "bloody show" the doctors and the books tell you about. It's a sign that labor is around the corner. Mine has been light pinkish in color. Like vintage pink.There's been no sign of the mucus plug or my water breaking. My BH contractions have been occurring more repeatedly and are a bit more intense (hence the effacement). There's been some early labor contractions that feel like bad period and gas cramps rolled into one, a two for 1 special, but they haven't been so painful that I need to call the doctor. (even though in my head I think I'm going into labor.) So that's what I'm feeling right now. Basically I'm impatiently waiting. Or as Coco says, "It's time to pull the ripcord and get this baby out!". I've even gone as far as to adopt some of the old wives' tales of things you an do to speed up labor. Walking. Been there, done that, and continue to do it. Spicy foods. I'm scarfing down spicy mayo and ginger like I'm Japanese. And sex. Yes, even sex. Coco couldn't be happier. My last attempt will come this week at the suggestion of a friendly neighbor who says I should drink two tablespoons of Castor Oil. At first I thought, isn't that for the car?" But apparently Castor oil causes the uterus to contract (and also gives you diarrhea). You've all seen my swollen fat feet which the Wu says aren't that bad and I told her about the numbness in my hands and not being able to close them and the pain in my fingers and how I freaked because I thought i had arthritis or MS. She said its completely normal because your hands swell too and it's almost like carpel tunnel but it goes away after the baby is born. (Wipe brow! )

Another reason this baby needs to be born is because I have developed a sick craving for freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I mean seriously?! This late in the game??! I am proud of my 31lb weight gain and these cookies are the devil. They just opened Insomnia Cookies 2 blocks from the house and my big belly and I make the trek (and I say trek because with less than 2 weeks to go, anything past a block is a 10K marathon) to get two sometimes three cookies. I even dragged the dogs in the rain to get my fix. These cookies are my crack. They are to die for! But no more! These cookies will not have a hold over me. Yesterday i completely ignored them. My vanity is way more important than milk chocolate heaven. (tear!) Other weird cravings I've been having: coke Slurpee, fish and chips with tartar sauce, eggs Benedict, and strawberry frosted donuts from DD. Must be strong. Well, I'll give in to the fish and chips.

So I leave you with that, ladies and gents! Hope you enjoyed the updates. Hopefully next week's update will be the last and I will be writing it either from the hospital with Maya by my side or from a five minute breather between feedings or naps! Just a quick heads up- Coco and I have a "We're in Labor!" draft email prepared to send out wide once we head to the hospital! So please keep an ear and eye out. Instead of BCC'ing, I will be CC'ing because it will be easier for us to keep resending to the same address book! So please try not to reply all so people's mailboxes don't get clogged with emails - reply ONLY to Coco and I.

Check out our luggage for the hospital! One bag for moi to keep me happy, entertained, and comfortable at the hospital. And one bag for Maya with all her outfits, hair bows, and blankets so she's looking fab and gorgy for all her visitors and photo ops.

Love you all and talk soon! ( I will no longer be signing off as "MILF." Taking a cue from French mothers who abhor the American expression. Because there is no excuse to let yourself go because you have kids. Oui oui!)

In style,

Kathy

Calabaza, Calabaza! - Baby Buccio Update- Week 38.

Hot off the press!

13 days to go until Maya makes her royal visit! And by the signs of these very frequent Braxton Hicks contractions I'm currently having, I hope it means she will be an early bird. This past week was the first week I felt ready to have this kid! I sat across Coco and said to him "babe, I'm done!". Even though I'm feeling good overall, I'm pretty much done feeling like I have an exaggerated beer belly. I am currently at 142lbs (seeing 142 on the scale was sort of like seeing a mystical creature like a unicorn or a my little pony. Weird) I have gained 31lbs. I'm uncomfortable, my cankles are ginormous (see pic above!), tired and IMPATIENT. Patience has never been my strongest virtue. I want to get started on taking care of this baby! lol. I got my game face on! I've been nesting- cleaning closets and drawers, throwing stuff away, and vacuuming. A lot. I have even upped my walking since I've been told it can bring on labor! This past Friday, I walked 30 blocks! Well, waddled. But let's be real. We just really want to meet this mini-me we made! So many scenarios are playing out in my head- seeing her for the first time, holding her, kissing her, touching her, taking pictures of her for future Facebook loser lonelies, stalking her like a psycho-loving mom, staring at her because she is so amazing, obsessing over her, and dressing her like my personal runway model. Duh. It feels so exhilarating to picture all these mental slide shows and I can only imagine that when it does happen, it will be 1000 times to infinity and beyond better!

When I went to the doctor last week, I was 1 centimeter dilated and 30% effaced ( which means the lining of the cervix wall is thinning out in preparation for labor). Now this bit of news doesn't mean the baby is coming out now. I wish it did because I'm ready to roll! She said it could be this week, or 1 week or my actual due date. It's up to Maya at this point. But it does mean that it is very unlikely she will come after the 26th. So fingers crossed she comes soon!!! Her heartbeat was strong and the Wu says she's about 6-6.5lbs and 20 inches long. She's the size of a pumpkin! (calabaza in spanish) And my belly has dropped a bit (when your belly drops, it allows you to breathe a lot easier because it means the baby has lowered itself into the pelvic area in preparation for birth) and baby's head is snug inside my pelvic bone. When she checked me, she felt the tip of the baby's head which was SO cool! At least it was to me! Tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment for another check up to see how much more I've dilated and effaced.

This past weekend we (and I mean Coco) set up the Angel Care monitor, we attached the porta crib firmly to the bed, continued with our stroller for dogs and dummy practice runs, and we have tried and failed to get the dogs to sleep on the floor. Go figure. But in all honesty, it's not like we've been forceful about it. And Coco insists he needs Lola in his arms in order to sleep. (Marriage Ref, where are you?!) In the next couple of days we are going to sterilize the baby bottles so we can start filling them with champagne, I mean, milk! And today we finally got Maya's beautiful bedding in the mail and we are washing it tonight (at least Coco is, reluctantly) and dressing the crib. With that said, the room will be 100% dunzo!

With just weeks until the BIG day, I'm feeling a little like the Jersey Shore, doing my own GTL. Only mine is more BMP- blowout, mani and pedi! Always camera-ready because pregnancy is never an excuse to let yourself go! (unless I'm under house arrest and then anything goes!).

Today I'm wrapping up my weekly update with a little twist. And it's dedicated to the special men in your lives! Some of you on this email are either having babies, have babies, trying to have babies, one day will have babies (or not) and this is a great "heads up" to pass along to your other half, if you haven't already. As you go through your pregnancy, you will get countless advice from friends, doctors, strangers, and books. People can't help it but some it will actually be helpful. And dads too will get their own manual when it comes to co-existing with a preggo wife. Guys, the rules change and most of them aren't in your favor (unless you rather be right and miserable) in the way you like them to be, BUT if you follow those rules carefully, you will be a far more sane and happy man! Case in point, my personal favorite of advice given to dads and dads-to-be, Do not argue with a pregnant woman. Make it your mantra. You will not win. You are going up against a godly figure who is in physical discomfort, tired, and did I mention the obscene amounts of estrogen that have taken over her body?! All arguments and reason go out the window, as I have explained to Coco plenty of times but he sometimes forgets.

Such was the case yesterday when he comically thought he was going to prove me wrong (he automatically failed). To remind him of such expected disappointment when these situations arise, I sent him this fellow dad's article below as a soft reminder. So I am going to share it with you ladies so you can save it for a rainy day. Just in case. YOU'RE WELCOME!

For the record because I'm a big fan of recognition and giving credit, Coco has been superb throughout this experience, which I'm sure if you asked him, he's probably wanted to kill me a couple of times or ten because even I know I'm a moody bitch, have a PHD in naganomics, and I'm VERY anal. But he loves me for these same special qualities. I wish for everyone to have a supportive and involved partner like him by their side when they're ready to have a baby! He's an angel and I'm truly blessed.

Hope you enjoyed this week's play by play! Bases are loaded and we are in the final home stretch! I'm going to miss sharing these updates with my fellow guys and dolls but I promise you, it won't be the last of them!

MILF in training,

Kathy

Don't Argue With Your Pregnant Wife

By Stephen Covington

So, early last week, my wife was dropping some hints that she was ticked at me for either something I had done, or something I was supposed to have done, but didn't. Just to set the record straight, my wife is the greatest woman in the world, and fortunately our arguments are few and far between. And I'll give her credit that usually when she gets mad there's at least a half way good reason. Having said that, my experience is that pregnant women in general are more apt to get ticked at the smaller things, than those that are eating for one, so to speak.

So anyways, she's upset about something. How did I know? Besides the looks and body language, I always know something's up when I hear an abundance of the words "fine", "ok", and "nothing". And the context doesn't really matter. "How's your mom doing?" "Fine." "How are you feeling today?" "Ok". "What's wrong?" "Nothing." Uh oh! "Is it ok if I play basketball tonight?" "Nothing would be finer." When those words start flying, I know I'm in for a "talk" sometime soon. And I love talking to my wife, but I am a man, and so this type of "talk" doesn't rate as my top 10 things to do.

Moving on to the point of all this. I had an idea as to why she was upset, and after three days of fines, oks, and nothings, I knew the "talk" was coming soon. (As a side note, things are always better after the "talks", but again, I'm a guy.) Before I leave for work she says, "I think we need to talk when you get home." Thanks honey. Now I have all day to think about it. So what do I do? I start to plan my defense. On this one I know I'm right. I've got argument A, B, and C. I've even got exhibits and even a little DNA evidence. There's no way she's going to win. As I get home from work I'm going through my opening statement one last time.

After we get the baby down to bed, it's time to battle it out. I've got my note cards out, and I'm ready to take her down. Then something happens as she begins to let me know why she's upset. I still know I'm "right", but I start to think about the consequences of my being right. What will I get out of it? Will I win the argument? Maybe. Will my wife get more upset? Probably. Can anything positive come out of me convincing my bride why she is wrong and I am right? I couldn't think of even one thing. So what did I do?

I sat there and listened. (Again, I'm a man, so actually listening instead of just pretending to listen is a step ahead in itself.) I still felt the urge to at least bring out exhibit B because it really was good, but I didn't. I told her I understood why what she was talking about had made her upset, that I was sorry for making her feel that way, and promised to try to do better to keep it from happening in the future. We hugged, kissed, and everything was good. And it was over in less than 10 minutes. And I meant every word I said to her.

A couple last thoughts. I still believe I was 100% "right" as far as the argument went. The things she said I had and hadn't done weren't completely true. But that doesn't matter. Perception is reality, and how she was feeling was true for her. To try to convince her otherwise would have been useless. And, the last time I'll say it, I'm a man, and I'm sure I probably did do something to tick her off. The pregnancy aside, you have to look at the outcome you want in deciding how to handle a fight with your spouse. There are times to battle, but when it comes to the feelings of your baby's mother, sometimes it's best not to be "right".

Don’t pick fights with her. She will be moody, sensitive, and possibly whiny. Try not to upset her even more. If she tries to pick a fight with you, just consider the source. Her hormones are all out of whack while she is pregnant, so cut her some slack. Remember that your relationship is extremely important. Stay away from arguments, no matter how tempting it might be to fight back.

RIPE AND JUICY! - Baby Buccio Update- Week 37.

Happy Monday Maya's Fan Club!

I hope you all had a lovely February weekend! How time has flown, and no one feels it more than me! We are three weeks away from D-day! Actually, 20 days but who's really counting?! It's so hard to believe that part one if this remarkable journey has almost come to an end! I feel like it was just yesterday I was sitting on my toilet staring at two purple sticks in disbelief. And here we are! It's been an amazing ride, baby! I've enjoyed every minute of this pregnancy and every little kick and jolt inside my body. I feel unbelievably blessed to have this little miracle growing inside me.

Maya is now the size of a watermelon and considered full-term! Which means that if she were born now, she'd be functioning with no problem because all her organs are at full capacity. She weighs a little over 6lbs and while she's in my belly waiting for her big debut, she's practicing things like sucking, breathing, blinking and doing pirouettes! We can't wait to meet this kid! The sensation of feeling her liveliness every time my stomach dances, only makes us more excited to see this little bean in the flesh!

As far as how I'm feeling with just days away, well I have to say pretty darn good overall. However, sleep is not fun right now because I am constantly flipping from side to side trying to get comfortable and that's when Maya moves the most! I'm trying to regulate my insomnia so instead of falling asleep at 3am, I'm trying to make myself go to sleep at 1:00am. My nose is a bloody mess. Literally. Swollen blood vessels are causing me to have blood clots and drips like a heavy weight boxer. Not hot. I'm definitely running out of breath but I learned the trick is to walk slow. I know, walking slow in Manhattan is an oxymoron but it really does help! I still haven't felt that "drop" that they tell you happens at the end of pregnancy- where your baby drops, thus creating more space in your upper body to breathe and making you feel like you are holding a bowling ball between your legs. I'm still waiting for it. Sometimes it's hard to pull myself off the couch or even the bath, but I'm not giving up my baths just yet. So yes, some minor inconveniences but I'm just happy I still have one chin, and not 3, I do not have stretch marks, I haven't had to buy shoes because my feet are super fat, and there is no sign of chipmunk cheeks or basketball face. My beauty is still intact. I make sure that i go get my blowouts twice a week so I'm ready just in case! Oh, and I gained 30lbs exactly. I'm hoping that placenta is 20lbs alone. Ha!

Now that we are at the home stretch, the doctor visits become more frequent. This Wednesday I have another exam. Basically these appointments now are to check the dilation and effacement of your cervix. The doctor will finger pop you to check if you're cervix is dilating. As of last week, it was only half a centimeter dilated which translates to no movement. In a couple of days we will check again. Baby's heartbeat was nice and strong and that is always reassuring!

This past week, Coco and I were in an intense "let's get things done" mode! On Friday, we met with Maya's new pediatrician, Dr. Flavio Gonzalez. He was super nice, beyond patient, and extremely resourceful and helpful. For me, having a Hispanic doctor was an added plus. it definitely makes me feel more connected and more at ease. It's a nice extension of home. Not to mention, that any doctor who answers all my 16 questions, everything from vaccines and call back etiquette to how early can Maya get on a plane and get her ears pierced, is a winner in my book. Coco and I both liked him very much. Oh did we mention his office is literally across from the street from Madonna's house? As in, right across the street. Fabulousity! Do you think she would babysit?? We also ordered the cord banking kit for Maya, finally packed our hospital bags, and we signed and finalized our wills and health proxies. Definitely not the most uplifting task but at least there is a sense of finality in having it done. But the most fun has been test driving the stroller with the three dogs attached! Oh boy. We are trying to do it once a day to get the dogs and also us, familiar with the task and so far it's been good. Not great. Not yet, at least but definitely not as horrible as I imagined it. The first day the dogs were a bit baffled and disoriented but got the hang of it by the end of the walk. The second day, they did great, I however, put my baby in a body cast since I slammed the stroller several times against the building's entrance door. Yikes. The stroller is not a bumper car. I repeat. The stroller is not a bumper car. Tomorrow I will take them out again because if you haven't heard, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT! (see pic attached) And i also went a little bananas and bought miss Maya some more fabulous bows for her collection. I couldn't resist!

Maya's room is 98 percent done! We got the lovely hold backs for the windows and now are just waiting for the bedding which will get here next week- fingers crossed- since it is getting custom made. Cannot wait! It is just such a serene and girly room and I love to sit in the glider and listen to music or read to Maya (today we listened to Madonna and read her a Pride and Prejudice board book!)

And that's all she wrote, folks! Tonight Coco is taking me to dinner to celebrate my 31st birthday. Yes, 31 years ago today, I graced the world with my charm, intellect, blunt truths, and beauty! It was a glorious day. God's 8th day. It is my last birthday as a solo act! Soon, Maya will take over the spotlight and command her own birthday stage! And Coco and I will be there with front row seats!

Thank you for coming along on this roller coaster of fun!

MILF in training,

Kata

25 Things about ME. (Like if I needed another reason to talk about myself)

So in light of US Weekly's " 25 things about me," (they do them for celebrities and even though I am not a celebrity, (Well, sometimes I am. Like the time I rode on a convertible with my grandparents in the Florida Marlins parade when they won the first World Series in 1997.)

I thought it be fun to do my own list and share it with you! I love reading other people's list as well to see if we have anything in common and I can be like "O.M.G me too!" It's such a cool treat. So if the bug bites, make a list and send my way!

Anyhow, here it is! 25 things about me. Enjoy!

25 Things you might have known, or not known, about Katherine Liz Suarez Buccio.

1. I love vacuuming and I love vacuuming with carpet powder. It makes me feel accomplished, clean, and calm. Even though I don't like carpet, I do have a rug and I love to vacuum it so it looks like new all the time.

2. Wrapping gifts is one of my favorite things about Christmas. I love to sit down with my wrapping paper, tape, scissors and labels and wrap gifts on the floor. I even offer to wrap other people's gifts and don't get how it's not a shared joy. Everything from picking out the big jumbo rolls to picking out the perfect sticker labels is super fun. At least for me.

3. Sometimes I enjoy movie previews more than the actual movies. I do not like getting to the movies late because watching previews is part of my movie experience. I feel like I've been cheated when I don't catch the previews.

4. One childhood tendency I can't shake is watching Disney movies. I own most of the Disney movies and keep track of them when they come out of the vault. Or my BFF Javy lets me know when they are being re-released. I feel like a kid when I watch them. My favorite Disney movie of all time is Peter Pan. When I was a kid and couldn't sleep or I was scared, I would watch Peter Pan and it would comfort me. Sometimes, I still do that as an adult. Coco also knows tons of Disney songs because he grew up with three sisters and I love him more because of it!

5. I hate egg yolk. Mima traumatized me horribly. The only time I will eat yolk, is with eggs Benedict and that's because it's drenched in hollandaise sauce. Other than that, it makes me gag. When we were kids, mima would give my cousin and I raw egg yolk with salt to swallow because it was "good for us." We had no choice but to eat it, and to this day, I will not eat egg yolk.

6. I feel naked without my digital camera. I love taking pictures, being in pictures, and documenting every memory possible! Before digital cameras, I loved dropping off film at Eckerds and anticipating what the pictures were going to look like because at the time, there was no playback screen. It was such a rush! Mental snapshots are not enough for me. I have a digital camera in my purse at all times.

7. I only like the way I make buttermilk eggos. There's a science to my madness. I like them white and mildly crispy (I'm a food racist). And I only like buttermilk style and they cannot be generic. Coco made the mistake once of not only buying home style eggos but generic ones too and you would have thought I was being stabbed. I was crushed. Some things, like eggos and mac n' cheese, cannot be bought in the generic brand. I also don't eat leftovers. I hate leftovers. The only two things I'll have are Chinese fried rice or arroz con picadillo. Refrigerators with too many containers give me anxiety.

8. I loved school. I was the kid that slept in my uniform the day before school started because I couldn't wait for the first day. It was thrilling. (i love school uniforms too!) On top of that, buying school supplies was the highlight of back to school. I love office depot during back to school season. Shiny new notebooks, clear contact paper, sharpened pencils, the smell of plastic pencil cases, and colorful folders was enough to make me drool.

9. I don't wear sneakers. I think they are dikey. Is this a little politically incorrect? Probably but I don't care. Sneakers are for the gym or running. Same goes for sweatpants. Sweatpants are not an acceptable choice of attire. They are not for going out even if you put makeup on. Plus sweatpants and sneakers make you look like tourists. If I wear sneakers, I wear converse or pumas. Sweatpants for inside the house or for walking the dogs in the early am.

10. I love reading. I love the feel of a new book, going to the bookstore and picking up a new read, smelling the pages, and then wearing them out because I am so into my read! It's why I haven't been able to switch over to a Kindle or a NOOK because I love bookcases filled with books. Unfortunately, Coco was getting a bit overwhelmed with my overflowing bookcase so I had to donate quite a few. Reading is one of my favorite past times. I can read a book in a couple of hours. And on vacation, I'll read about 3-4 books. I once read 8 books on a 2 week cruise.

11. I hate liars and it's ugly cousin, the exaggerators. I have a zillion pet peeves but this is my main one. After whistling of course and Tweety Bird.

12. I have a horrible habit of peeling the skin of my lips. Ripping it off to be exact. It makes me look like a meth addict and it's horribly painful yet I can't stop because I get obsessively fixated.

13. ASPCA commercials make me cry. I actually can't watch them. I mute them or leave the room because they really affect me with the sad music or the shaking dog. I'm a sucker for animals.

14. I don't find bathroom humor humorous. I hate the word "dump" almost as much as I hate terrorists. It's so trashy and gross. Not that "caca" is any better but I would prefer that to "dump" any day. Poop is mildly acceptable.

15. I love to sing. I sing tragically but it still puts me in a good mood. Just like dancing does! I once recorded myself singing SWV's "Weak in the Knees" to prove I could sing at my friend Ainette's house. When I played it back, I realized that I sucked.

16. Rollerskating is one of my favorite things of all time. Like of all time. I hate that Manhattan doesn't have an indoor skating rink like Hot Wheels in Miami or Coco's favorite, Laces in Queens. I had about 4 birthday parties at Hot Wheels, went to many birthdays there, Monday night ladies night, and tons of field trips. Roller skating is awesome. So is freestyle music which is what they used to play! And couples dance because it was the only time I was allowed to hold hands with a boy before the age of 16 with my parents' approval. And you also got to make fun of the kids that didn't know how to roller skate and would hold on to the walls.

17. I take a bath every day. I don't shower, unless I am at someones house or a 3 star hotel. I don't trust those tubs. If the hotel is a 5 star hotel and they have an inviting tub, you better believe I'm in there! I've been taking bath since as long as I can remember. I also have to have like a big cup or pail (a palangana) to use for rinsing. I love to read in the bath too. I can take 5 minute baths or one hour baths. I'm multi-faceted that way.

18. I hate the telephone. I think this one is obvious. I don't like small talk or chit chat or pointless conversations and I'm not 16 anymore where I need to be on the phone for two hours talking about pointless things. Unless it is a true emergency (any by emergency i mean death, close to death, you are hurt, you have my kid, you have big news to share like engagement or pregnancy, you are calling to offer me money or a kick ass job, etc), I will not answer the phone. It is something that won't change. Will you think it's stupid? Yes, I'm sure. But I really don't care and I'm not changing it for you because I have my reasons and that's why email and smart phones were invented. If you call me, and I don't answer, chances are you are being ignored. And while I feel bad, I don't feel bad enough to care or answer. There are a only a select few that can get me on the phone- my grandmother because she doesn't text, Coco because he's my husband but sometimes I won't answer his calls or I tell him to text me, and my uncle Tony because he's one of the few relatives I like. There a 1-2 other honorable mentions but for security purposes, I will not reveal those names. Skype is slowly losing steam for me too.

19. I lost my school spelling bee to the word "rotten". I spelled it "rotton". Every time I think about it, I still get mad at myself.

20. I was tied to a chair in kindergarten and didn't tell my parents until I was in second grade and my mom went ape shit at the school. I was also locked in a closet at Jose Marti school with my best friend at the time, Paula. But back to the chair tying incident. The teacher's aide, a fat old lady by the name of Mrs. Abreu, asked me repeatedly to sit down after bathroom break/recess, and I refused telling her that all the other kids were standing up and why should I sit down. She didn't like that so she tied me to a chair. I think she was jealous of my skinny 6 year old body. Sometime later (can't remember exactly when) my mom and I ran into her in the school halls and she told me to say hello and being the obedient child that I was, ran right up to her, slapped her big culo and said "HI GORDA!" (Hi Fatty!). My mother was mortified and I was sinisterly satisfied. I have a lot more horrible stories from my younger years, like the time I accused my mother of poisoning the apple juice in my Care Bears thermos. Good times.

21. I have only slept with 2 people (including my husband) my entire life because I was afraid of STDs and getting pregnant. I also thought I had AIDS for a couple of months after watching a sex video in high school and being told that you could get AIDS through kissing. (there's Catholic brainwashing at it's finest!). I've also never done drugs with the exception of pot a total of 4 times to be cool and I never never did that again. I might as well work for D.A.R.E. But I do love me some Intervention on A&E. The harder the drugs the better as long as these people have no relation to me.

22. I love to do lists and scratching tasks off my list! I love organization and controlled chaos. I'm also never without my daily planner. I write everything I have to do or have done accordingly. It's old school, but writing it also helps me remember it. I'm not a procrastinator. I'm a planner (however, I also know that some things cannot be planned and life has a way of changing those plans!) But lists do make me feel productive and accomplished and I love that my husband loves them too! I don't sympathize or understand people who enjoy running around like headless chickens, are disorganized or chaotic by choice. It gives me major anxiety.

23. I love travelling. There is so much world to see and I love learning and experiencing other cultures. Everything from passport stamps, to airport security, makes me happy because it means I'm going on vacation! I always tell Coco that I can't live without travelling at least once a year. I don't get people who don't like travelling or have no desire to. It completely baffles me. And I can't wait to start travelling with Maya and seeing the world through her eyes.

24. I love alone time. That's not to say that I don't love hanging out with Coco (he's my favorite person to hang out with actually, not because he's my husband but because he's good company and fun) or my friends, especially when I go home. But I need and love to detach and spend time with myself because I like to make sure I'm always happy and I spend time with just me. Maybe it's because I was an only child or I'm pretty independent and my parents always encouraged me to "entretenerme". It's not selfish. I'm a firm believer in a happy and more fulfilled "you". I can entertain myself for hours and sometimes a couple of days alone. I like going to the movies alone, eating out by myself, going to a museum, or just quiet time watching movies or reading. When I go shopping, I hate going with other people. I like to shop alone. I also love going to the beach alone, especially when I tan ( Coco is still trying to master the art of laying still for at least three hours to tan. He's learned that he has to be self sufficient on beach vacations because I get into my rhythm and pay little attention to him.)

25. I'm a BIG beach person. I love the beach! The first time I saw NY beaches (Fire Island to be exact in 2001) I cried. I didn't understand how they weren't blue and why the water was so cold. Thank goodness I'm also a BIG city girl and I overlooked the east coast beaches because I would have been gone a long time ago! I actually enjoy them now (not as much as the beaches at home and I still can't go into the water because I'll have frost bite but I still love the scenery and being close to an ocean). I have pre-packed beach bags with lotions and towels, and I love finding the perfect spot ( i preferably like fancy beaches like the Hamptons, Shelter Island, or in front of really nice hotels in Miami because I like to be around pretty, classy people) up close to the water, lathering up, listening to music, and "swimming" in the ocean. Going to the beach was and still is one of my fondest memories of growing up in Miami and sometimes I miss it terribly.

26. (honorable mention). I regret not continuing my piano lessons! I took piano for three years because my mom took classes in Cuba and wanted me to learn as well. Plus she said it would set me apart from everyone else and when I went to parties in my fancy all girl high school, I could sit at the piano and command everyone's attention (yes, while the houses were fancy and big and ridiculously gorgeous, no one was playing Mozart on the Steinbach. Most parties I went to in high school consisted of booty music, red solo cups, and making out).

Well, the assignment was 25 and these were my main ones! I could probably go on until 100. I'm an open book and everyday I learn something new about myself (good and sometimes, not so good), believe it or not! I hope you enjoyed mine and now I want to read yours! So send my way please!

Here's to you. Here's to me.

Kathy.

What a wild bunch of Coconuts! Baby Buccio Update- Week 36

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FACEBOOK POLICE- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

*** DISCLAIMER: THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS BLOG BELOW ARE MY PERSONAL TWO CENTS. THEY HAVE NO AUTHORITATIVE CLAIM (THOUGH I LIKE TO THINK SO) AND ARE SHARED FOR THE SAKE OF AMUSEMENT AND FUN. IF YOU HAVE SENSITIVITY ISSUES AND CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF LIKE I HAVE, THEN RIDICULE AWAY! ***

We can all agree that Facebook has changed the way we communicate and interact in the 21st century. Mark Zuckerberg is to this century what Alexander Graham Bell was in the 19th century when he invented a little thing called the telephone. (which I'm sure lives in some artifact museum somewhere in the world or is collecting dust in your house, right?) In many cases, Facebook has advanced the soapbox of social media and has grown powerful in its technological resources and methods of communication whether you are messaging, poking, updating your status, creating events and movements, or simply posting your private photos for public consumption. In today's world, that's the way we are getting out what we need to say or vent. In a world laced with acronyms like "lol, omg, fml, wtf," Facebook, though brilliant, is just another way to minimize speech. All this can be done from a computer, a handheld device, and even from the luxury of your vehicle speakerphone. Yes, it is true. Some of the newer car models out today, have a Facebook feature where you can post a new update or check a friend's page all by speaking to a mysterious voice when it is summoned. It's very James Bond meets school girl chic. The point is, we have minimized the need for verbal communication, which in turn makes us humans, a little more socially awkward and dumb (sorry, but it's true), when it comes to one-on-one interactions. We don't know what to say because we are so used to writing it. We don't remember birthdays or anniversaries because now Facebook does it for us. it requires little effort on our end. Granted, I love Facebook because I hate the telephone so I think it's an epic addition to my social life. But i also have never been one to suffer from social retardation. I can banter with the best of them. I just find telephone conversations useless, for the most part.

Which brings me to my next point. There is a Facebook line that is a little fuzzy and often gets crossed. And that's the TMI/over sharing epidemic that we ALL have been guilty of, or we know someone (or some people, or sometimes our whole friend list) who constantly violates the over sharing policy. Now, there is no Facebook police giving infractions for such violations (even though there should be), but I, along with a few others, are always on the lookout for these violators who think it necessary that anyone cares about the idiocies that they post. Just a reminder, that even if your page is private, Facebook is still public. Duh. And all your 672 friends on your private page, are still reading and probably laughing or rolling their eyes at the crap you're posting( I'm sure I've been laughed at but very minimally). Not everything is for Facebook. I repeat. Not everything is for Facebook. You might think people care, but when you really think about it, probably only you, and your grandmother cares. No one else. Here are some status update blunders that are NOT okay and you probably should only be sharing in your head. Also no need to get sensitive if you know you are guilty of one or all of these. And the reason I can call the violators out is because I have been guilty of a couple of them myself. The difference is, I learned from my annoying mistakes/updates.


The Dead Wall- I'm sorry for your loss. I really am. Heck, I have lost a few people too. But to post it on your Facebook every anniversary or birthday is just emotionally exhausting for your friends who are forced to awkwardly read and respond to your post about your dead grandma or dad in heaven ("2 years ago today we lost a great woman! 11 months since we lost uncle john! we know you're in heaven"). waa waa. Also, dead people don't have Facebook. And I think it's safe to say that the only people that care about your dead relatives is your family. Facebook is not the dead wall or your own personal cemetery so try to honor and remember the dead other ways- like lighting a candle, buying flowers, and saying a prayer all in the privacy of your home and head.

The "Monthaverseries"- Oh geez. Don't get me started on these. They're prevalent with the younger set when it comes to a new relationships, newlyweds, birthdays, etc. When you post, "happy 5 month anniversary to my wifey/hubby!" Um, okay Kim Kardashian. Don't brag yet. Or I've seen a couple of these: "happy (insert # of months here) month birthday to my Maltese, Tinkerbell!!!" Monthaverseries are not meant as a celebration unless you just got out of rehab and you are counting your sobriety. I'll give you a free pass for that one.

The Quote Whores- No one loves a good inspirational quote more than me. I do love quotes and I love inspiration and following your dreams. It's all lovely and positive. What I don't like is the over quoters. The people who must update their status updates at least twice and even three times a day with motivational or inspirational quotes. Too many quotes seems desperate and attention seeking. Geez. We get it. You want to be inspired. But just FYI- just because you post it, it doesn't mean all your wildest dreams are going to come true. It still requires you to do work.

The "I think I work for ESPN" syndrome- I'm indifferent to sports. I can't necessarily say that I hate sports, because I actually like baseball, but when my Facebook wall is bombarded with stupid sports updates from retarded guys about a team, a player, a draft, a game, a season, etc, all I can do is throw up in my mouth. I HATE it and I roll my eyes. Especially college football. It's so annoying. Seriously, if I cared about "The U"' or "The Gators" or "insert sports team here", I would watch ESPN. Plus, is that the only thing that you can post about?? Is there anything else that's exciting going on in your life?? Or is your amateur sports career really taking off from your couch?? It's Super Bowl this week. I can't hardly contain myself.

The passive/aggressive bully- Facebook is NOT the forum to passive aggressively call out other people when you are pissed or annoyed. For starters, if you aren't going to directly call out a person by their name, then don't waste your time doing it on a status update. It does not make you cool or brave. It makes you look like a big tool that hides behind the Facebook wall and every one of your friends is making fun of you. So the next time you want to blast someone on Facebook, (i.e. "Who needs friends who are never there for you when you need them and then they expect you to be by their side. You know who you are?!!!!!") Why don't you just delete this "friend" and save yourself the passive/aggressive embarrassment.

The TMI mom- You probably have a few of these on your page. I personally, pregnant or not, cannot deal with those moms that over share. So your baby or kid is doing "pipi in the potty" or "did caca for the first time on their own!" or "my baby is colicky and won't sleep!" is not anything I really care to read (unless you are asking for feedback from other Facebook moms and they can message you privately. That's acceptable.) TMI. I'm not taking away from the amazingness of potty training, but it's just not something that belongs on your Facebook page. No one cares and it's gross. Unless the kid threw shit on your face, then okay. Because that's kind of funny.

The "I only take loser lonelies for fun" liars- I love loser lonelies! A loser lonely is an amateur modeling shot taking by you (in most cases) on a camera or a smart phone device making some sort of sexy face with fuck me eyes. It's when you know you look hot and want to broadcast it to the world. If you have it flaunt it! I love to post these on my wall. I don't post many, but when I do, they're smashing! I've always said self-absorption and narcissism are healthy in moderation. But then there are the those that are in the closet or try to pass their loser lonelies as "just something they do for fun or pretend." YEAHHH. Good try. If you are posting them on Facebook or going out of your way to make the Playboy come hither expression, there is nothing "pretend" about it. You are all about showing yourself off in your Facebook world. So stop lying and take responsibility for your loser lonely portfolio. You look more like an idiot when you deny it. And for those of you who post loser lonelies and you're still ugly, don't stop. We still like to use your material for comedic relief behind your back. Because making fun of people to their face is not right or nice.

The Debbie downers- I've hidden quite a few Debbie downers on my page. I keep some on my page though because we like to make fun of them. But these are the "friends" that make you want to kill yourself. These "friends" only post depre or sad updates on their Facebook. Anything from "I have a headache." "Not having a good day." or "When someone stabs you in the back, they aren't worth your time." "If you've been disappointed once by the same person, don't be surprised when it happens again." Goodness. Kill yourself. Debbie Downers are just like that amazing SNL skit with Rachel Dratch! Only they are chronically depressing. HIDE!

The photo bombers- I recently had to hide an extended family member from all my albums because she was a serial photo comment bomber. Not two seconds after posing a picture, I already had a comment. And then I had like 10 comments after a minute. It's too much. Don't get me wrong, I love when people comment on a picture or a two, but when you have to comment on 47 pictures just because you need to leave your mark, it's stupid. Same goes for tagging!

Where do apostrophe's go? - I'm a sucker for grammar. I can't stand when people can't spell or use punctuation incorrectly. Let me just preface this by saying that I still make grammar errors. When I do catch myself about to make a mistake or I post something with a grammatical error, I take it down immediately. I hate when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" or "their" and "there". But nothing bothers me more than the misuse of apostrophes! Apostrophes show ownership- i.e. Kathy's laptop. The Buccio's kitchen. That's correct usage. What's not correct? - "Having coffee and biscuit's!" or "I love my kid's!" or "the Sierra's are going to Europe!". That doesn't make sense and you look like a dumb ass. Always proofread.

The Vague- I can't stand when people are vague. It drives me nuts since I'm super nosy. I'm convinced that vague people just want attention. They want you to ask them what they're referring to or what they're talking about. If you are posting a vague status update on your public Facebook wall, it's because you obviously want to share something with your 786 friends. Or you want 786 people to follow up your post with "TELL ME!!" Examples about straight up vagueness, "Got the best news this morning! Fingers crossed!" "Praying hard for something to come true!" Um, if you aren't ready to dish or share, be quiet. No one wants to play Guess Who? with you!

The political amateurs- It's an election year which means time for every die hard Republican (because it's mostly the Obama bashers that are getting "in your face" on Facebook ) to use Facebook as a political soap box and quite frankly, it's so distasteful, rude, and annoying. I'm not saying don't have an opinion about candidates, about a specific issue, or about a primary, but Facebook isn't the place to lecture all your friends on why Obama caused the economic crisis or Romney doesn't care about the super poor. It feels like your shoving it down people's throats. Whatever happened to respecting each other's political views instead of bashing? Funny enough, I was watching a local news segment yesterday on how political debates on Facebook cause many to "de-friend" some of their peers because they feel that their "friend" is being disrespectful or trying to forcefully impose their views on others. It becomes exhausting. Let's not forget what the purpose of Facebook is- to network, not to preach your political views. Whatever our views or outlook on elections, issues and candidates let's remember two things- none of us have ever been president so it's easier to preach doctrine if you've never actually held office. And secondly, let's agree to disagree respectfully. We like the fact that you have an opinion and you are involved and that in itself deserves merit. So don't knock each other. At the end of the day, we all want a better country. Facebook just isn't the place for haters.

Don't forget the lyrics- I mentioned this one to my husband the other day and he tells me, "well i like to quote lyrics because I do it in a clever way." Hmm. I don't know about that. I hate when people quote lyrics. (By now you are probably thinking, "Damn. Kathy hates a lot of things." Well, yes. Yes I do!) I especially hate when people quote lyrics when they just went through a break up. I get it. You're sad. I would be sad too. But I wouldn't go on Facebook and post lyrics from Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" or some Lady Antebellum song on my status update so I can make everyone else miserable. But why quote a song? I get you like it. Chances are I like it too, but I don't want to read them on your Facebook page. It's unoriginal and if I really wanted to know the words to a song, I would look for it online, just like I did when I wanted to memorize Missy Elliot's One Minute Man.

Facebook Chain letters- If you don't send this to nine people, you will get hit by a car and live under a bridge for 5 years. PFFT. I hate chain letters and I hate the people that send them. Why? Because I have also been a sucker and sent chain letters for fear that I would get hit by car or live under a bridge. Gosh I hate myself for falling into the trap! But no more! However, chain letters have found their way onto Facebook. Those sneaky slime balls. Only this time they are in the form of Facebook updates asking you to re post because it's "sister week!" or "cousin day". And they are SO lame. They usually begin something like this "If you go to work 9-5 and come home to clean, cook, and take care of your husband....then you are a WIFE! Re post this as your status." or "Re post this to your status if you have a sister. A sister is someone you love but you also want to strangle. Who is always there for you when you need her and is a shoulder to cry on..blah blah blah." Seriously, who cares??? Why would I want to post this!??? Chain letters are stupid. They serve zero purpose but to instill fake fear in you. So if you are a smart person who has a brain and common sense, do not re post this.

Baby birthdays- I left this one for last because it seems to be debatable. I have many friends who think it's ridiculous when parents wish their kids a happy birthday or someone posts a happy birthday message on their friend's page meant for the kid(s). I can see how it can be completely unnecessary and silly to do so considering babies can't read and they don't have a Facebook page (and if they do, shame on you because you're an ass!). I don't have a problem with this. It really doesn't bother me all too much because birthdays are a nice milestone, especially kids' birthdays. (I do think their should be a cut off age. Like 9, before you hit the double digits.) It does bother me when it's worded in a way that's childish or goo goo gagaish or it speaks directly to the kids (i.e "Happy Birthday Steven! Mommy loves you THIS big!" "Happy Birthday to my Princess Carolina for being the bestest little girl in the world!" Um, Steven and Carolina can't read. Here's an alternate way to say it where it's not so hokey: "Happy Birthday to my baby boy Steven. God has blessed us with a great kid!") Do you see why that works better?? Because you aren't directly speaking to your kids on your adult Facebook page. Same applies to pets. And God knows I love my pets. But they can't read and don't have Facebook. But more importantly, no one cares. Don't even get me started on Dogbook. I do like a dog in a party hat, though. It's festive.

Who died and made me Facebook Nazi?!

What are YOUR Facebook pet peeve???

Here's to you. Here's to me.

Kathy.